Veronica I thank you, for beating the shit out of me

At one point in my life I could recite the entire script of the movie Billy Madison. Word for word, scene by scene, all 90 minutes of this awful (-ly amazing) film was once stored in my adolescent brain. Much of it has been purged, swapped out for equally unimportant information, but some key plot points and quotes remain burnt in the depths of my temporal lobe…..Which is why I’m so upset. I really can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier, and quite honestly, I’m embarrassed by my inability to connect the dots until now.

Donald Trump is Billy Madison.

The similarities are glaringly obvious, and the only reason I think this realization has taken me so long to come to is because Billy has some endearing qualities, he’s a lovable moron. The Donald has no redeeming or endearing qualities. Zero.

Let us start from the beginning……

Billy was the son of a wealthy hotel chain/property owner and stood to inherit it all. Billy’s family wealth got him through life and Billy was too self- unaware to realize he had zero accomplishments on his own. Similarity #1.
This is made apparent early on in the film while Billy is talking to his dad.

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t.
Brian Madison: Rock? “r-o-k”?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The “C” is silent.

Even when wrong, Billy has an excuse for why he is right. “The ‘C’ is silent” illustrates that while the spelling may be wrong, he is still not. Alternate facts, similarity #2.

Billy is then told that he is not going to get the company, which is a big sting. The only logical rationale for his dad to make this decision is to place blame on the giant imaginary penguin he has seen at multiple points waddling around the expansive Madison property.

Billy Madison: “Is that it dad, did the penguin make you do it?”

Billy can not accept responsibility for his own actions and has to blame someone/something else, something that does not even exist. An irrational fear. Similarity #3.

Similarity #4 of course is that Billy’s favorite day is “Nudie magazine day”. No further explanation required.

Let’s fast forward into the film a bit. When asked in a public forum to discuss the Industrial Revolution and cite specific examples, Billy goes on a wild tangent about a puppy who lost it’s way, and never addresses the question that was posed.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Replace “Mr. Madison” with “President Trump” and these words accurately express how the majority of the American populous feels when Trump talks about…..anything, literally anything. Similarity #5.

Also, sexual assault. Billy, upon first meeting his attractive 3rd grade teacher says to himself: “Veronica Vaughn, so hot, want to touch the hiney.” Donald wants to grab other parts. Similarity #6

Donald is Billy in an parallel universe. A timeline that never intersected with Veronica Vaughn. Donald never had that “teacher” that instilled values, didn’t back down, and metaphorically and physically kicked the shit out of him.
Trump has never had anyone tell him he is wrong. He is so comically out of touch with who he is that he can’t see anything else.
If Trump had a Veronica Vaughn in his life, first off he might be a decent person, but he also never would have appointed DuVos as secretary of education. He would actually care about teachers, and the alternate future a proper education can provide…..

Fuck, I started this comparison as a joke and now realize it is 100% accurate.

Donald is a movie charter. One created with a plethora of awful traits culminating in hilarity: 0 self awareness, huge ego, self centered, unintelligent, full of hate, casts blame, clueless….and that hair….He is perfect for a movie or TV, he is the last person in the world that should be in charge of anything.

I feel that I have shown, conclusively, that the similarities are there. Donald is Billy, Billy is Donald. However, there is one difference that I must point out. One that creates a small crack in my theory. Billy expresses, in his opening line, how he feels about sun protection.

Billy Madison: Suntan lotion is good for me. You protect me; tee hee hee. Oh the sun tries to burn me but you won’t let it – will ya? Ultraviolet rays bad. Lotion good.

Ultraviolet rays are bad Billy. While Donald is more of a “self-tanner” kind of guy, I am certain that he has spent more than his fair share of time under the sun or in a tanning bed…..and we all know, he’s an oil man.

A Fond Farewell

I remember wandering the streets of San Francisco on a somewhat rare, warm November night. I had no destination, no need to be anywhere, but I wasn’t ready to walk home, not yet. I called my brother, I called friends, I trekked the city for hours with excitement and optimism. On this night in 2008 we had elected the first black president, and for so many reasons, in my eyes, the right person at the right time. Regardless of how you voted or where you stood, we had, at the very least, elected an undeniably intelligent president that had brought a new and vibrant energy into politics.
Obama said goodbye last night, and while many people will usher this president out with the same distain they maintained for him over the last 8 years, I said my goodbye with tears.
Obama’s farewell adress was what I expected. Eloquent, inclusive, smart, poignant, and optimistic. The president elect is not the person Obama wanted to follow him, not by a long shot, but even in this defeat, Obama is nothing but encouraging and supportive. Something he received very little of during his tenure as POTUS.
Following Obama’s speech, Trump held a press conference, which was also exactly what I expected. Mangled sentence fragments and incoherent thoughts.
I pictured the first State of The Union, Trump getting up and making a speech that not only doesn’t make any sense, but is full of division and blame.
I will miss Obama because I think he was an excellent president, but I will also miss him because he represented the things I like about America: Inclusion, grounded optimism, intelligence, compromise….. Trump is everything I hate about America: Greed, inability to listen-take responsibility for-admit fault, non-inclusive, fake, uninformed, entitled…..We have elected into our highest office, someone so insecure and ignorant that there is a chance I receive an actual response from him for saying so….sigh….off topic….
Obama, nothing and no one is perfect, but you did a great job. I thank you for your service. I thank you for your efforts, energy, and patience in dealing with America and the world. I am proud to say I voted for you, twice, and hope that you will stay involved. Your legacy may be altered, but not forgotten. I appreciate you.
Also, teenagers, am I right? #wherewassasha

Our president elect is a piece of shit

I’m sorry, is this title not clear? Let me rephrase, Donald Trump is a huge pile of shit.
This is not meant to be inflammatory, and it really shouldn’t be. This is not news. It is not an opinion, it is fact. Regardless of race, gender, sex, shoe size, or any other factor or viewpoint you may have, there is no defense for Trump as a human. He has been terrible his entire life. He was despicable when he was a Democrat, awful when he was (and is, kind of) a Republican. He is not a nice guy. Period.
We have elected a horrible person as president. There have certainly been flawed presidents in the past, but none so open and unabashedly transparent about their awful.
Now we are supposed to give him a chance. We are supposed to put our faith into someone who has, his entire life, made every decision based on “How will this benefit me?” without care or concern for any other being. Propping himself up by putting other people down. We are supposed to believe that NOW he cares about the American people.
Huge surprise, Trump doesn’t care about America. Trump cares about Trump.
He is a rich spoiled child that has never faced any repercussions, never been told he is wrong, and always had his way.
Now Trump is going to have his way with America. Grabbing it by, I guess, like Alabama….I think that is approximately where the pussy would be on America (I am speaking simply at a physical level, I don’t think Alabama is full of pussies). He is backing away from campaign promises and looking out for ol’ number 1. Doing what Donald does best. And yes, we are only 3 weeks in.
He is making Washington even dirtier with his first round of joke appointees, asking favors from foreign leaders on personal business endeavors, and his fragile ego can’t handle even the slightest criticism as he lashes out on completely arbitrary things.
These are serious problems. If I were a Trump supporter that voted for him despite his racist/sexist/asshole rhetoric with the hopes that he would create positive change in Washington, I would be jumping ship at this point.
But, spoiler, I was not a Trump supporter, ever. I didn’t even like him in Home Alone 2. I jumped ship with hate. Unfortunately, for a lot of people hate resonated, because it came with a partner in crime. It’s not just hate, there’s blame. There is a tangible specific for what is going wrong in your life. Let’s not try and fix the problem itself, lets not work out a compromise, or think creatively. Let’s lay blame on someone else and fuck them up. Muslims, Mexicans, Immigrants, Obama…….it’s not you, it’s them.
It’s the simplest of solutions, so easy to get caught up in, but it’s a fallacy. We have created all of the problems we have. As a society, we need to own our shit. As individuals, we need to know our history.
We live in a democratic society that puts our collective lives into the hands of politicians who we consistently, and with good reason, call “liars”. We know that campaign promises will not be met, this is the sad reality of our system. So, every 4 years we essentially say to each other, “My liar is better than your liar”.
But in no America, under any circumstances, should our liar be a self serving, self tanning, racist, sexist dipwad unable to take criticism or advice.
That doesn’t help anyone, ever.
So, recount? Why not? It’s not whiny people feeling sad about losing, it’s people people feeling scared about a hate and rage filled ignoramus having the nuclear codes and representing America to the world. It’s about letting everyone, everywhere, know that Trump, as a person, and as a representation, is not wanted.
Trump is our next president, that’s reality. So it is now up to us to discipline this man child, let him know when he has done/said something wrong, hold him accountable for the first time in his life, not let America be “Trump’s America”.
As a Nation will never agree 100% on what policies are going to best benefit our country as a whole, we are vast with too many different lives and lifestyles. But, it would be nice if we could agree there are certain types of people that we won’t allow to make these policies. You know, people like Trump. We have had idiot presidents, and we have had asshole presidents, but Democrat, Republican, Tea Party, Monster Energy Drink party…whatever happens, whoever you support in the next election, can we at least agree to not have a total idiot asshole like Trump? That would be really, really swell.

Ohhhh, I get it

It’s all a ruse. A well played and perfectly orchestrated move to dismantle the GOP and realign our entire political system. Trump IS the Trojan horse. It’s almost comical, in retrospect, that he used the term “Trojan Horse” in one of his speeches and then could not explain what it was after the fact. Actually, not almost comical, totally comical. Trump is the new Andy Kauffman, except, possibly, even more talented.
Give the man some credit.
Really.
I know, it seems impossibly hard to do so.
You wanted a viable 3rd party? I think there is a very good chance we have one in the 2020 election. You wanted a shake up of the political system? On the democratic side, Hillary has been pushed into taking on some of Bernie’s “socialist” ideas. On the Republican side, well, the exact effects of Trump are really yet to be seen, but there has certainly been a shake up, and that can’t be bad.
If Trump were a joke, I mean, he is a joke, but a real actual joke. If he were to come out and say that this was all a plot to prove how archaic our political process is, point out how racism/sexism remains to be a major issue in our country, how divided our citizens are, how manipulated we all are by the media, then **clap….clap…..clap** and into a strong **standing ovation** Mr. Trump.
Well fucking done my man. WELL DONE.
However, sadly, I don’t believe this is the case. But I don’t even want to think that it’s not. Because that’s not funny. It’s absolutely terrifying. Yes, he keeps losing supporters at various levels of offensive along the way, but no one should have ever jumped onto the ship of shit that is Trump to begin with.
The ironic, or interesting, or….. sad…I’ll say sad.. thing about all of this, is that even not as a joke, I have to appreciate that Donald Dick has hopefully, theoretically, done a lot of unintentional good through all of his harm.
Yes, a lot of bad, a whole lot of bad. But from the bad, the terribleness of Trump making it OK for people to show their true colors of hatred and expose stupidity that was previously swept under the rug, we have to deal with it. A guy like Trump making it this close to the top office in our country means America has some really really serious fucking problems.
There are sections of America that believe all Mexicans are rapists, that not paying taxes is smart, and that if you want something, you should just grab it by the pussy. Gross generalizations, I know. But even so, a light has been shone into the dark corners of our society, and denial is no longer an option.
The first step to recovery is to admit you have a problem. Well, Donald, you are the problem, and people like you, people that support you are the problem.
Let’s move forward from here.