Veronica I thank you, for beating the shit out of me

At one point in my life I could recite the entire script of the movie Billy Madison. Word for word, scene by scene, all 90 minutes of this awful (-ly amazing) film was once stored in my adolescent brain. Much of it has been purged, swapped out for equally unimportant information, but some key plot points and quotes remain burnt in the depths of my temporal lobe…..Which is why I’m so upset. I really can’t believe I didn’t see it earlier, and quite honestly, I’m embarrassed by my inability to connect the dots until now.

Donald Trump is Billy Madison.

The similarities are glaringly obvious, and the only reason I think this realization has taken me so long to come to is because Billy has some endearing qualities, he’s a lovable moron. The Donald has no redeeming or endearing qualities. Zero.

Let us start from the beginning……

Billy was the son of a wealthy hotel chain/property owner and stood to inherit it all. Billy’s family wealth got him through life and Billy was too self- unaware to realize he had zero accomplishments on his own. Similarity #1.
This is made apparent early on in the film while Billy is talking to his dad.

Brian Madison: You remember that spelling bee you won in the 1st grade?
Billy Madison: Oh no, you didn’t.
Brian Madison: Rock? “r-o-k”?
Billy Madison: Yea, so what’s your point?
Brian Madison: r-o-C-k!
Billy Madison: Ohh! The “C” is silent.

Even when wrong, Billy has an excuse for why he is right. “The ‘C’ is silent” illustrates that while the spelling may be wrong, he is still not. Alternate facts, similarity #2.

Billy is then told that he is not going to get the company, which is a big sting. The only logical rationale for his dad to make this decision is to place blame on the giant imaginary penguin he has seen at multiple points waddling around the expansive Madison property.

Billy Madison: “Is that it dad, did the penguin make you do it?”

Billy can not accept responsibility for his own actions and has to blame someone/something else, something that does not even exist. An irrational fear. Similarity #3.

Similarity #4 of course is that Billy’s favorite day is “Nudie magazine day”. No further explanation required.

Let’s fast forward into the film a bit. When asked in a public forum to discuss the Industrial Revolution and cite specific examples, Billy goes on a wild tangent about a puppy who lost it’s way, and never addresses the question that was posed.

Principal: Mr. Madison, what you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Replace “Mr. Madison” with “President Trump” and these words accurately express how the majority of the American populous feels when Trump talks about…..anything, literally anything. Similarity #5.

Also, sexual assault. Billy, upon first meeting his attractive 3rd grade teacher says to himself: “Veronica Vaughn, so hot, want to touch the hiney.” Donald wants to grab other parts. Similarity #6

Donald is Billy in an parallel universe. A timeline that never intersected with Veronica Vaughn. Donald never had that “teacher” that instilled values, didn’t back down, and metaphorically and physically kicked the shit out of him.
Trump has never had anyone tell him he is wrong. He is so comically out of touch with who he is that he can’t see anything else.
If Trump had a Veronica Vaughn in his life, first off he might be a decent person, but he also never would have appointed DuVos as secretary of education. He would actually care about teachers, and the alternate future a proper education can provide…..

Fuck, I started this comparison as a joke and now realize it is 100% accurate.

Donald is a movie charter. One created with a plethora of awful traits culminating in hilarity: 0 self awareness, huge ego, self centered, unintelligent, full of hate, casts blame, clueless….and that hair….He is perfect for a movie or TV, he is the last person in the world that should be in charge of anything.

I feel that I have shown, conclusively, that the similarities are there. Donald is Billy, Billy is Donald. However, there is one difference that I must point out. One that creates a small crack in my theory. Billy expresses, in his opening line, how he feels about sun protection.

Billy Madison: Suntan lotion is good for me. You protect me; tee hee hee. Oh the sun tries to burn me but you won’t let it – will ya? Ultraviolet rays bad. Lotion good.

Ultraviolet rays are bad Billy. While Donald is more of a “self-tanner” kind of guy, I am certain that he has spent more than his fair share of time under the sun or in a tanning bed…..and we all know, he’s an oil man.