Reverse Atkins

I am a big eater. If there is food in front of me, consider it consumed. So, naturally, I am a fan of a good old American all-you-can-eat buffet. I eat what I want, it’s cost efficient. Win/win.
With that in mind, understand that even I would not purchase the “Never Ending Pasta Pass”.
For the next 7 weeks The Olive Garden is running a promotion offering unlimited pasta, breadsticks, salad and Coca-Cola products for $100. Yeah, 100 bucks. 49 days, lunch and dinner, 98 meals, $100 total.
The idea of someone binge eating the same food for the better part of two months is grotesque, even more so when that food is Olive Garden. However, from a marketing standpoint, I must say this is a fabulous idea. It will attract a lot of attention, and if you are to take full advantage of this offer, it is an absolute steal. We are a nation of fat, deal seeking individuals, and well, this has it all.
This ain’t The Olive Garden’s first rodeo, so they have limited the “VIP pasta pass” to 1000 patrons. Likely because they know that collectively, as a nation, we would eat them into bankruptcy. Also, because they learned from Red Lobster’s all-you-can-eat crab legs debacle of 2003. “It wasn’t the second helping of all-you-can-eat, but the third.” said Red Lobster chairman Joe R. Lee (2003) in respects to their massive revenue loss, “……and maybe the 4th.”
Well, let me tell you how much America loves fake Italian food at a little over $1 a meal. All VIP passes have been purchased, quickly, as I am sure everyone would have guessed. What you might not have guessed is that the secondary market for all you can eat pasta is enormous. That’s right, these passes have hit ebay, and hit hard.
The $100 deal cards are being sold at over 3x’s their original price. Some fetching close to $400. Which, if you are to attend every offered meal, $400 is still a very reasonable price for 98 servings of stuffing your face.
We love deals, we love bang for our buck, this has very little to do with pasta, salad or shitty breadsticks. We love any buffet, even though they are super gross. Once in a blue moon I will go to an all-you-can-eat and chow until the manager of said buffet is uncomfortable with how much I literally ate into his profit margin. It’s disturbing, it’s stupid, I know this. Doing this 2 times a day, every day for 7 weeks, is an offer that should really be considered attempted murder.
Human Americans have no self control, and you are going to feel the wrath of that Olive Garden. If people got down on 4 plates of crab legs, assuring themselves of diarrhea later that day, how many plates of pasta do you think they will eat? Mark my words, someone will die at an Olive Garden in the next 7 weeks in direct correlation to this campaign. I hope I am wrong, really, but when it comes to overestimating the gluttony of our society, no one has ever done it.

On a related note, if you really want to destroy a buffet check out these tips on how to properly binge eat. Yes, someone made a “how to” on eating more. I thought we were pretty good at that to begin with.