Get outta here

Guys, I literally just heard about the American Girl store. I mean, I knew of the doll, and that there are stores, but do you know what people actually DO in these stores? Well, saddle up buddy…..So you go and buy a doll for 100+ dollars, then you buy it clothes for around $35, and you buy your kid a matching outfit for about double the price. Okay, I guess, yea, it’s a little weird and expensive, but fine. Then you get the dolls hair done.
Wait, what the fuck?
Does someone graduate from the Vidal Sassoon school to style hair at the American Girl store? Honestly, I am seriously asking, I wouldn’t want anyone unaccredited touching my $200 doll investment.
Next step, let’s get the dolls ears pierced for $14. This one is your own fault. If you can’t figure out how to do this yourself, you deserve to spend a paycheck in this store that I have never set foot in but am pretty sure is actually for real hell.
Guess what?!! There is also a fucking spa package! You can get your doll a facial scrub with cucumber stickers for her eyes! This unavoidable treat is only $12. Unless, of course, you also want the nail stickers, which are an additional $5. I have never had cucumbers or cucumber stickers on my eyes, and now I hear that thousands of spoiled dolls have it better than me? Fuck you American Girl.

And then there is this:

“From her family’s New Mexican rancho comes the story of Josefina Montoya. She’s trying to preserve what is precious after her mother’s passing…..”

Yes, this is a biography of one of the dolls.

So is this:

“An inspirational side of the Civil War era comes to life in the courageous story of Addy Walker. Along with her mother, Addy is escaping slavery to find her father and brother, who’ve been sold away…..”

Cool, so these dolls also have more character than I do. Really really neat.

Isn’t part of having a doll/stuffed animal/imaginary friend/etc. being able to create it? Use your imagination and give it a unique name, clothes, life?

I had no feelings on these stores, 0, and after one look at the website I hate the shit out of them. Why did I look at the website? That’s a really good question, I’m actually not sure where this started, but let me reiterate, I fucking hate American Girl.
I don’t have a kid, but if I could borrow one of yours, I would love to take him/her and a crappy off brand doll to the American Girl store. I want to pamper my cheap doll with a spa package, maybe even buy all 3 of us a $23 per head brunch (yes, brunch is offered). I know, it’s not an American Girl doll, but by God my crappy doll NEEDS this! Who are they to say that my poor person doll can’t enjoy the finer things in life?
If they don’t let my cabbage patch kid in, I will call these dollists out and sue. It would be a classic case of discrimination, no ifs ands or buts about it.
I would of course be more than happy to split my settlement fortune with your borrowed child.
Did I mention I hate this fucking store?
Geez.