Evidence that no one wants to see.

A burglar. Just the idea brings fear to most people. Someone intruding into your home, into your space, and taking what is yours. It is terrifying. Thou shall not steal. It’s a commandment, and a simple idea that is engrained in us from a very young age. Well, most of us anyways. Jose Perales must have been absent on that day of kindergarten, cuase he looovvveess to steal. More specifically, he loves to steal women’s lingerie. Even more specifically he loves to break into sex shops, get naked and satisfy himself with the toys on the shelves, try on different outfits, leave used items everywhere, and disappear into the night under the disguise of a blonde wig.
Or almost….
You see, Jose Perales is your typical 5’11 325 lb man. He is super hard to pick out of a crowd. Fortunately for police, he has an identifiable mark that was observed on the stores security camera. You have to look closely, but across his back, his entire back, is a tattoo that reads “Perales”. After hours of diligent work our authorities found the culprit and said that “The distinctive ink (on the tattoo because it was written in Olde English) helped cops eventually identify Perales.” So it wasn’t the fact that it was his actual name inked across his shoulders, or the fact that he is twice the size of the person standing next to him, always, it was the “distinctive ink”. That is some good Iowan policing right there! Perales admitted to the crime and Dr. John’s Lingerie Store reported $2000 in damaged or stolen items. Davenport!!!

cart management

I like grocery shopping. I like finding snacks that look delicious while still leaning towards somewhat nutritious. I like seeing something new, throwing it in my cart and thinking “well, we will see!”. I like encountering one of my regular purchases on markdown, “What’s that? A sale on Gala apples!? 3 dozen please!”. I love arriving home and filling my cupboards and refrigerator with food, it puts me in an extremely comfortable place. Obviously there is going to be another side to this shopping experience, so let me go ahead and get there. Every grocery store and department store have their own carts. Whole Foods has their adorable small carts (yes I WILL go into debt filling 2 sq feet with consumables, thanks!), Costco has their absurdly large surprisingly necessary carts (I DO want a 46lb can of baby corn! Yay!), Trader Joe’s, Alberton’s, they all have their own carts. Great. These places have probably spent more money than I care to know on cart research and what would be the optimal size for their square footage and aisle width while still keeping the customer at ease. For this I congratulate all these stores, my gripe is not with them, it is with you, the consumer. What possesses you to leave your cart in the middle of the aisle as you wander around looking for peanut sauce? Why are you going to race in front of me, do you really think they are running out of hamburger helper? Is there a reason you are slowly meandering along the side of your cart filling the entire lane so no one can pass? Bad cart management is the equivalent of a bad driver. I am shocked there are not more cases of “cart rage” in supermarkets.
If you are one of these people I can’t help but arbitrarily judge you by the contents in your wheeled grocery vessel. “Yeah, obviously she is buying Greek yogurt. What an idiot.” I buy Greek yogurt, I don’t know what my rant even means, but I mean it wholeheartedly. “Celery? Asshole.” Why would the purchase of a yummy crunchy vegetable lead me to call you an asshole? Beats me, but if your cart is parked egocentrically in the middle of everything, well, now celery is asshole food. And you are the asshole.
There are no rules to driving a shopping cart, no test, no required age, but there should be. I mean, some of these carts have children’s seats and safety belts for goodness sakes.
You might be saying, “Hey man, you are way too intense about grocery carts, but I feel like I should give you a bunch of money for fun.” Fine, give me the money, but don’t doubt the grave nature of my article.
I will bet that within the next decade some child will ram a cart into the Achilles heel of another shop patron. This patron will then sue said child’s parents for an ungodly amount. Then cart management will be on everyone’s minds as the government will likely set up a 5000 person cart committee to oversee the safety of American shoppers everywhere.
So enjoy your freedom now, because the days of cart mismanagement will soon be over. Happy shopping.