tickle torture

When I was a child I used to have dreams that I would be ticked to death. Just like pretty much everyone I know, I hate being tickled. While there are certainly some people out there that have a tickling fetish, I have not encountered any. What I want to know is why we can’t interrogate criminals with tickling? I honestly feel that more than anything else the idea of tickle torturing the worlds worst terrorists seems too soft, but if I am tied up and tickled, I will without a doubt give up any information you might want. The reason tickling works is because you don’t know where the touch will come from, hence why you cannot tickle yourself. So, we make a tickle machine….and wait. Information would pour out, no one would be harmed, and the world would be a safer, better place. Except of course for the rare inmate who is aroused by tickling. That torture session would be way, way different.


Let me give you an example of a conversation that most likely happened in 1912.

“I ate 25 egg yolks today doctor”
“That’s fantastic Greg. Egg yolks are delicious! I hope you let that taste really sink in by smoking some form of tobacco afterwards.”
“I most certainly did. Then I laid out in the hot sun for 9 hours, and got this beautiful red glow.”
“If you are outside in this heat, make sure you drink plenty of fluids”
“Of course doc! I downed a whole bottle of whiskey”
“Greg, you are pillar of health. I wish all my patients were this easy.”

Unfortunately this remarkable day would now weigh heavily on our conscience because we know that we just treated ourselves like complete shit.
We have so much information thesedays, and it seems to be at the point where you can find evidence to contradict just about any statement. Things that were good for you are now bad, or some bad things have such redeeming qualities that sometimes, they are good.
I love to stretch. I stretch before bed, I stretch in the morning. I stretch sometimes while in conversation with people for no reason at all. Stretching is almost a default switch for me. Now I am being told that if I want to be an elite athlete, which I do, stretching may not be the best thing. What the fuck? The science behind this article makes sense in my head, but it is the opposite of everything I have been told for life.
So, I think I am going back to the olden days. I am going to make decisions based on pure enjoyment. I am going to eat bacon sprinkled cheesecake for every meal and wait. Sooner or later the evidence supporting baconcake as the elixir of youth will come out, and I will be the only one reaping the benefits.


I looked over the organic Kale salad with a bit of anger. Not at the leafy vegetable itself, but more so for the fact that it was served by an acquaintance that always had the Kale salad. I mean, not always Kale, but whatever is trendy or popular at the time. And an even more aggravating fact about her is that she feels the need to explain why the particular Kale salad, which in this case is actual Kale salad, is way better than whatever else shit food I have been consuming or whatever exercise I have been doing or whatever terrible decisions I have apparently been making since I was conceived in a Jack-In-the-Box parking lot 26 years ago.

“It’s delicious” I say.
“I know” she responds. “It’s simply the best.”

Gosh I hope we can sit around on your recycled material couch later and eat dark chocolate covered organic almonds while you tell me about your missionary trip teaching yoga to underprivalidged arthritic centipedes who have been battling to keep their habitat while a group of European miners attempt to obtain Lithium in order to power electric cars which are not green at all because that energy still comes from somewhere and how the sun can power all of the earth in the same amount of time a bull rider must stay on a bull to complete a ride and how that bull is mistreated and sold as dog food to unsuspecting small dogs causing severe cases of schizophrenia which is the cause of 45% of all dog attacks and why so many dogs are currently sitting in shelters without owners and that is the true sign of a hopeless future, when people don’t care for their dogs.

“The best. Yes, yes it is.”


If you could have dinner with any 2 people, alive or dead, who would they be? Second question, What if instead of having dinner, these 2 rap battled? Yes, please.